Guilt and Shame Hamper Joy
Guilt and Shame hamper Joy
Fredrico is a senior leader at an international company and had 3 coaching sessions with me.
At the first session, he happily chatted about himself and about his professional life. He was trained at some of the world’s best institutions and worked throughout Latin America.
He was proud that his job had transformed his economic situation and created opportunities for his children external to Latin America.
He is a busy professional who is often away from home since his job requires extensive travel, which he thoroughly enjoys.
Fredrico’s narrative was that he was close to his family. He checked in with his wife once a day and his kids once a week. When asked “How does traveling often allow you to be close?”
Fredrico clammed up. He shared that this was a point of contention with his wife.
As a young couple, they decided that she would stay at home with the children so that he could capitalize on this lucrative post. Now, that the children were independent, and the household in a better financial position, his wife expected the couple to spend more time together.
Fredrico shared that it was hard for him to stop working since work was his “happy place”.
When asked, “When else does you remember being happy?”
He recalled that as a young boy he enjoyed the country life, fishing with friends and being part of a small loving community. This was the happiest time of his life.
My follow up question, “When last were you happy?” was answered by silence.
After a long pause, Fredrico stated that he hadn’t taken vacation leave for a long time and was sad that he neglected many family and personal responsibilities in favor of work.
He left the session with a commitment that he would take some time off for himself and his family.
Two months passed before Fredrico scheduled another session.
At his second session, he reported that he took some time off to attend to his personal and family duties, and that he was planning a trip to his boyhood home. He contacted his relatives and friends, and they were excited that he was coming. He was also looking forward to the trip.
When I shared my observations, “It seems like there is another emotion present” he sighed. He was doubtful that his family and friends would warmly receive him.
When asked what was behind those thoughts, he replied that he felt guilty about leaving his peers behind. He is now successful and improved his economic circumstances, while his community (of origin) remained impoverished. He felt ashamed of his success and wondered if he could ever be truly accepted by his community.
When asked to make the links between his long working hours and hectic travel schedule he realized that he stayed away from his home because he didn’t think that he deserved happiness. He felt an ongoing sense of deep guilt and shame for his success.
I could feel Fredrico’s deep sorrow over his situation.
After a long pause, I asked “What else might your childhood friends be thinking about your visit home?”
His first responses mimicked his guilt and shame – he abandoned them, he forgot about them, he was ashamed of his roots.
I reminded him that he has the power to reframe his thoughts and to create alternate narratives. This lightened his mood.
Fredrico suggested these alternatives: “they could be proud of him, they may see him as an example for their children, he was proof that good things come from humble beginnings”
He left the session with enthusiasm; he felt ready for his visit.
In our final session, Frederico was beaming and happy to share.
He and his wife travelled to his childhood home. He connected with his boyhood friends, and it felt like he had never left. His friends were happy for him and proud of him. They held no ill will towards him and they thought that everyone’s path is different.
He spent his time fishing with his friends, eating meals with his family and sharing intimate moments with his wife.
He committed to visiting his boyhood home more often and was raising funds to assist with some community projects.
He will spend the rest of the year exploring options to reduce his travel. He had worked hard and now believed that he deserved to enjoy the life that he created which included spending more time with his wife.
Coaching Takeaways:
· The client is the coach’s only focus – I did not learn anything about his wife
· The coach can feel the client’s emotions and name these
· My role as coach is to listen and point out contradictions to the client
